Drool runs from the corners of my mouth.
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating fanfiction.
–(Apologies to Mark Strand)
It starts with reading manga and watching anime. Then you develop opinions, you get ideas. The next thing you know you are blogging and writing weird long essays about how everything in this manga or that anime relates to something else, and by the way, did you notice how that character and the comments about the last chapter over on this other blog just miss that One Important Detail! Congratulations, it’s all part of the journey, the process, the ride. I had the fortune or misfortune to fixate on Kio Shimoku’s meta-comedy about otaku in a university otaku club, I have followed them as they have done otaku and now fujoshi things for years. They are now a part of my life. Part of how they celebrate their otaku-ness, one of the “secondary production” efforts they persue with gusto, is creating dojinshi; publications for like-minded people, to be literal about the term’s origins. We know these in the west as fanzines and fanfiction. One would expect that diaspora Genshiken fans would follow the example of their favourite characters and do zines and fanfiction, right? If only as a participatory exercise, a way of feeling closer to a fandom and the meta fannish activities celebrated in the story.
And now some Genshiken fans on Tumbler are putting together a webzine.
Fanfiction. Must investigate. Could I? Should I? Another boring essay on Zizek and Tamaki might be a safer choice. I am not too far out in the weeds on that stuff and it is really a fine theoretical way of looking at fandom; much more useful and robust than the scattered Western approaches. Then again, it is only fanfiction, not incest or folk dancing.
What could go wrong?
It turns out that fanfiction is far scarier than I thought it would be. Not just reading it; god help you if you try to write it. You will screw up. Prose will become unbelievably clunky. Dialogue will turn to solid oak and or rotten balsa wood. Things will self-insert. Sue and Stu will sneak into your tale like raccoons into your attic. Then they will tear things up and piss and shit all over the place. A very romantic scene, possibly with lubricant and outre gymnastics will suddenly become the most important part of your story, the essential plot hinge that builds to the climax, it can’t be left out! You will lose whatever pitifully small knowledge you once held of style, syntax, grammar and finally spelling and punctuation. Dementia will set in.
Worse: it will feel really good.
It is like taking perfectly competent engineers and asking them to design nuclear reactors. Suddenly they all want to make them out of charcoal briquettes and c4 while using gasoline as a coolant, And site them by the ocean, on an earthquake fault line and put the emergency generators in the below-sea-level basement. Oh heck, lets make the basement walls out of chocolate fudge. Because we can!
Ask them to build a honking big motor, or an airplane or an oil refinery and they would go about it as sober professionals. There is something about nuclear reactor design that brings out the silly in them.
Like fanfiction, it is love waiting to go horribly wrong.
Multiplying entities without necessity is an act of love. ™
“We had actually been sitting there in the Polo Lounge – for many hours – drinking Singapore Slings with mescal on the side and beer chasers. And when the call came, I was ready. The Dwark approached our table cautiously, as I recall, and when he handed me the pink telephone I said nothing, merely listened. And then I hung up, turning to face my attorney. “That was headquarters,” I said. “They want me to go to Las Vegas at once, and make contact with a Portuguese photographer named Lacerda. He’ll have the details. All I have to do is check into my suite and he’ll seek me out.” My attorney said nothing for a moment, then he suddenly came alive in his chair. “God hell!” he exclaimed. “I think I see the pattern. This one sounds like real trouble!” He tucked his khaki undershirt into his white rayon bellbottoms and called for more drink. “You’re going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over,”
-Mandatory pretentious excerpt from HSTFALILV
Yes indeed. The first item on the list was to go in search of existing Genshiken fanfiction. To Las Vegas, in a monstrouly fast red cadillac convertible with tires from Sandoz laboratories inflated to 70 psi. (careful Billy, the effect is starting….) Or not. I guess I could just sit at home sweating in my underwear as the hair on my neck grows thicker and steer my browser towards Fanfiction.net. Select Genshiken. Nothing appears on the screen. Curses! clever filters for innocent eyes. Now I behold one story in two parts, inspired by the first anime way back so many years ago, with a self-insert character sliming up to Ogiue, no less. Wait, filters, no crossover. Suddenly there are 31 stories. 17 of them in English.
Holy mother of pearl! They still use the term “lemon” to describe pr0nish efforts. All that net archeology I did years ago is paying off.
Wow, some of them are readable, even if our favourite genderfluid BL enthusiast does get a bit hot and steamy with Madarame! And look how many times Madarame tries and sometimes succeeds with Saki. Some of the stories are actually quite stirring and emotional. Remember, Kio Shimoku doesn’t do overblown romantic melodrama. Happily, no need goes long unfilled when true fans are around to help out.
Next stop: Archive of Our Own. A project of the Transformative Works brigade, who are heavily into advancing and understanding fan culture. There are a total of 20 Genshiken stories on their site. Unfortunately for me most are in Spanish (?) or Russian (?). Eight are in English. I read three of them, not bad, ok.
More research is needed: what are the common errors in writing fic? Where are all the really bad bits of fan-writing I keep hearing about?
More Google is indicated (MGII?).
Lots of lists of common spelling mistakes, warnings about Mary Sue, bad sex scenes, the usual. Ah here we are: examples of painfully bad fanfiction. Oh crap, too late, he reads them.
Brain is now oozing out of ears like tasty vanilla pudding.
Need more, They might be bad but they are very very funny.
This leads to the discovery of the Badfic, the Crapfic and the Paul Verhoeven of fanfiction, the Trollfic.
“Yes, it is so bad because I planned it that way!“,
-explained the famous movie director.
Who is this famous fanfiction writer Hans Von Hozel anyway?
One day, Hans Von Hozel was makings of a story.
“This story will be very much goodly!” say Hans.
“All the characters must dying!”
Suddenly, Hans’s mother found him created a badly story.
“HANS VON HOZEL!!!!!!!” say mother. “You are not to make a writing of a story!”
Hans cried. His tears fell into computer and tears danubed in wires.
The computer exploded!
“Oh no!” say Hans. “This no good!”
Suddenly, mother got angry and pushed Hans in her womb. She was made a pregnant!
10 years later Hans was reborn a girl. “She is so cutely!” say mother, who is 10 years young.
Oh bad thing, Brain not feeling smart now.
But the best is more to come. Anything textual, text-y, made of letters that is being simple and awful can be either
1) Made fun of as it is read on Youtube
That popped my cherry.
2) Turned into an online random text generator.
“Wait until you reach the point where Link SUPERGLUES HIS BUTT SHUT.”
But what? It does not have a preset for Genshiken.
So undeterred, I have to type their names in then . Gee, what presets being close, do present themselves He asked?
Ensure to check the CROSSOVER box bottom of the preset list. That way you can choose the many. This also very good because it will be funny and not hurt any real writers feelings for laughing at their stories. Because bad fan fiction is so funny, I still wnat to read it.
Slowly I push the lever foreward.
OH GOD! PLEAS ESTOP< you don’t know what you are ..
(Choose rainbow page background too for gr8 justice!)
Doctor Who MEETS Fate/Stay Night MEETS Red Dwarf: Kenjiro Hatos Return
by Chika Oguie & fanficmaker.com
The following work is copywrited all to me, in full, with all rights reserved. You are permitted to read it as many times as you need, but not copy, exchange, or use its ideas or characters without my explicit permission. Permission can be obtained by emailing me at Chika_Oguie_@Baphometsneopets.cc
You can also send constructive reviews there, but no petty criticisms. If I get motivations muddled,its because my cat distracted me. Also, if you don’t like my story you don’t have to have read it.
Anyway, and now on with my superior story of how things actually happened;
It was a dark and stormy night…
The next time they saw eachother Rika-chan winked at Chika Oguie, remembering what happened at the party.Chika Oguie blushed.
Some of the others giggled. Did they know? Chika Oguie didn’t care.
One day, Chika Oguie was walking to school when…
…a stranger in the street said “Could i have your autograph?” “Please, sign my buddy christ ” said the tall,dark,attractive man Chika Oguie signed it, and handed it back
“Here’s my autograph!” said Chika Oguie
“To be honest, while I did want your autograph…i also..you see..i….i…think your the sexiest person alive, and….” the stranger hesitated! I need your help urgently! You must save us!!”
“We need someone strong, and intelligent and mighty…you have been chosen!”
“Well, I always felt there was something weird about me…I never thought i would be assigned a mission like this!”, she lied.
“You are the Special. Our magic swimsuitcame to us in a dream again and told us to find you”
“You must save us from Rika-chan we dont have the power on our own”
“Very well,I suppose I’ll help you”
Suddenly, Chika Oguie was sucked into a underground lab.
“This is where we have set up our new secret HQ HeadQuaters!
“Theres someone that wants me meet you…”
At that movement a door slid open with a funny sound…light shined from behind and a shadow stode there
“So..this is the one we are after?”
“She certainly looks as attractive as we heard” “And sexy too!” “And with nice big equipment too, judging by the huge round lumps in the clothing”
Kenjiro Hato walked out of the light!
Chika Oguie was amazed!, always brilliantly modest, Chika Oguie never dream of recieveing such a compliement from great Kenjiro Hato.
“Thank you, its an honour to meet you”
“The honour is all mine”
“It was clear there was an instant, animal attraction between them…allthough both didnt want to admit it. “wowsers your sexy”.
“No time for that now!” said Chika Oguie. “We have work to do!”
Over the next few days, more and more horrific reports came from the direction of Rika-chan’s skyscrapper.
First it was just the criminals being arrested and put to work in Rika-chan’s armies. Then anyone who was against Rika-chan was also arrested and put to trial. They were separated into groups of men and women. The men were put to work, the women were rapped until killed.
Rika-chan looked down on her works. She then petted her gorgon.
Oh yes, Rika-chan was ready for Kenjiro Hato now.
Fortunately Madarame worked at a newspaper nowadays and he used the database of the newspaper to find out home turf of Rika-san’s ruffians.
Their search led to a gay night club in the darkiest and stormiest part of Tokyo. I was a little hesitant to go. It was rather scary and it was dark and stomy in that secting of Tokyo. But the courage in me was greater than my fear because with A cosplaying Wench’s Dimensional slip I should be able to accomplish anything, right, I thought to myself.
And Madarame would join me.
So not to fall out of fashion we both stripped and squeezed into their most gothyest clothing. I had to admit that Madarame looked kind of sexy in that outfit of his. But I didn’t dare to comment on that (I had only just discovered I am bi, and I was a little angxious over that. I wans’t sure if my othre friends would accept that!.
I instead poored down my soul into my make-up. I bore incandesent blood-rose coloured finger nails with black streaking strips and gave Madarame the same treatment. Madarame gorgeous eyes met mine and for a moment we were both swimming in a pool made of a lovely combination of their eyes colours. It was romance we knew, but we didn’t know whether it was a forbidden one or not!
Oh hell, Rika-san could wait. Now I looked upon Madarame with lust filling my pecker . Rika-san could be taking over the world for what I cared, now it should be all about me and Madarame.
But little did I know that in fact Madarame had been lusting after me as well! With force and lust Madarame threw me onto the closet and thrusted himself right into me. I moaned. We came. Then we went off and defeated Rika-san.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Its almost like your want me badly. Ha Ha!”
“You’re my one true friend, Madarame, probably the best one I’ve had in a long time. I like talking to you, hanging out with you, and I even love listening to you sing.
…And now that you’ve pointed it out, I think I might like trying sex with you.”
“You’re touching me. That’s not considered appropriate behavior,” Madarame whispered, His bottom lip trembling while His limbs felt frozen.
“Maybe not. But I don’t think you’re going to stop me.” Hato chan stroked Her hand up Madarame’s hip, and pulled His shirt from his trousers. Madarame’s eyes fluttered shut when He felt Hato chan’s fingers touch the skin of His lower back. But He forced them open again and stared into Hato chan’s pretty eyes.
“I should stop you.” Madarame knew He should. This was Hato chan. Hato chan! Could He dare wreck their close friendship? And what about their destiny? But that didn’t bother Madarame nearly as much.
“Stop me,” Hato chan said, and made it sound like a dare.
Madarame was all set to give Hato chan a glare, but it faded away when He got his first real look at Hato chan.I mean sure, Madarame had seen Hato chan before, but not REALLY seen them. Not with these new eyes which Madarame now had. His eyes had been opened.Like He was seeing for the first time.Like the wool was no longer over His eyes.
Hato chan’s soft legs.
Her nice Buds.
Her very agreeable pony tail.
In point of fact, Madarames mouth went a little slack and there may have been some drool.
Other parts of Him might have been wet too.
It dripped on Hato chan.
Hato chan didn’t seem to mind Madarames fluids though. Any kinda of fluid dropping on Her was fine it seemed. “ewww” She said but half way it turned to a “owwwwwww”.
It was a “owwwwwww” of pleasure.
It was the first of many sounds to come
Hato chan opened her mouth wider for stuff to drip into.
They kissed eachother softly. Madarame whispering sweat nothings into Hato chans ear.
Hato chan and Madarames bodies entangled becoming one ball of body parts.
It felt like there was Vaginas everywhere…even when there wasn’t!
They then practiced lots and lots of sex
Once they had finished practicing, they were experts!
After they had finished – with big grins on their faces and embarrassed, they decided to go home and never speak of this again
So we defeated Rika-san and everyone was satisfied!
Rika-san: what do you mean, it’s not over yet?! I’m invincible!
Me (Madarame): No No, back into your coffin!
Rika-san: Grrrr. You will never get me in my box. I am too large and too sexy!my scones wont fit!
Author: Ohh no, it looks like the characters still want a story!
Me: of course we do! Or cake. I love cake!
Rika-san: Well I’m gonna steal your cake!
Me: Noooo! Whats going to be my dinner now!?
Rika-san: mhuahahaha, life isn’t worht living without caaaaaaaaake, so just die already will you?!
Me: OK, Ur right, life isn’t worth living without the awesomeness of cake. Farewell bitter world of cakelessness!
Madarame: chotto mate-ah!
Rika-san: huh ;^_^;
Hato chan: domo desu-ka @_@?
Me: Caaaaaake, need cake. Like brains, but cake!
Madarame: well, I want you, how about that?
Madarame winked at me, but .
But Hato chan was all hot ‘n that, I thought. So
I Left the fanfic and looked for a nice bed to crawl into together and maybe more Me: Oh definitely more, I’m going to rip your clothes off and plunge my shaft into you over and over again until you explode in pleasure and swet.
Author: well, looks like they’ll be busy for a little while. Cake?.
Rika-san: Nooo the cake is a lie. Gimme it!
We then defeated Rika Yoshitake and everyone rejoiced.
I came back from the celebrations to find Kenjiro Hato and Hato-kun in my room.
“Lucritia said Hato”, “You need to make a choice.”
Manly Hato-kun believed the same thing,” he said: I believe the same thing. It cannot go on like that.
He was right of course, it couldn’t go on like this. I had to make a choice and the choice was…
“I pick,” I said with all the pain in the wolrd in my heart because I knew that excluding one of the other was a true betrayal of my feeling. And when I looked at them, I saw them both waiting my very breath: “I pick Both of you. I can’t choose. And this is the modern age. I should be able to pick both of you! There is enough for both of you to love me!”
And they recognised my wisdom and in the end, everything was right. We all lived happily togethre after all in my new tower.
Goddam, that’s some fine parser progging. I lieked reading it mad me laugh a lot and hard.
And so, we have solved the problem of the lack of Genshiken fanfiction, but truely, at what cost? One more victory like this and we shall be defeated.
My Job here is done and is over.